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There aren’t many things worth worrying about in hindsight. What’s done is done, and what really matters is how a given experience enhanced the data set we’ll rely on in the future to make a better decision. Are we better for our mistakes?
What’s amazing is the knee jerk reaction people have toward mistakes- failures. People avoid failure, the risk of failure, even the perception of the risk of failure, like Osama avoids the U.S. Military. In sports, conservative is the path more traveled. Not in the sense of going for it on 4th and 1 at mid-field, but in the sense of don’t play for a club in your town that isn’t (perceived to be) as good. Or as in, don’t take a scholarship at a school that doesn’t make the sweet sixteen every year no matter how little you might play. Coaches who ‘discipline’ players by benching them meaninglessly at the start of a game only to insert them into the game at the first chance, lest they risk losing in the pursuit of character and ethical behavior.
I’ve coached plenty of teams that got beaten at one time or another pretty badly; however you’d care to define “badly”. What always alarmed me was the reaction, far more often from the parents, although occasionally from students, of embarrassment and anger. As if we don’t all have to deal with losing. For most people, they’ll win about as often as they lose. A large number will lose more than they win, and only a very select few will enjoy sporting careers in which they win significantly more often than lose. But even that isn’t the point. Being angry with the loss is pointless- it is already past. Being angry with anything beyond your own control is wasted energy. Being upset because I didn’t make a shot I feel I should have is different, but being angered by a result is pathological. The end result isn’t the point.
The point is, in the course of losing/failing, were lessons learned? Frequently, when an undefeated team loses at long last, people cover with comments to the effect that you learn more from a loss than a win. That’s nothing more than an admission of a lack of critical thinking, a delusion to assuage the pain of losing. In all likelihood, the loss occurred because not enough was learned from winning- which is different from saying there isn’t as much to learn from winning. And that is much closer to the truth. I hear comments too frequently from families who are upset with the quality of coaching, quality of teammates, officials and opponents. Far too rarely, although it does happen, do I hear parents and families commenting on the lessons being learned between the lines, win or lose. Most kids, in my experience, will find the good in nearly any situation athletically. That’s the joy of being young, and playing games; they don’t have to pay the bills with the game. But when parents and coaches begin to pressurize the situation, the students reflect their values. Improve or get cut. Win or skip to a team that will. Blame the weaker players. Blame the officials.
We should remove competition, tell everyone they’re doing a perfect job, make sure everyone plays the same amount of minutes, only offer supporting statements, stop keeping score, and just let the kids play. Right? Not on your life! The benefit of sports is the creation of an environment where young people learn accountability, the ability to handle criticism, how to rely on others, and how to accept losses without a loss of self-esteem. Coaches and parents who can be both demanding, and supportive; disciplined and fun-loving; honest and gentle; harsh and fair; highly detailed and aware of the bigger picture can have a massive positive impact on young people. Young people want to be pushed, want to compete, and want to think they have special talents. But they also know, though they may not articulate it, that they need to hear what they’re not good at, what they need to improve on. Any player on any team not getting negative feedback should be worried.
No, the point here is that winning more often than not, or being in the “right” club for visibility reasons, or trying to avoid the embarrassments of failure in general is simply playing ostrich. Kids have to fail. They’ll never learn to ride a bike if they don’t fall. What parents should watch for are coaches who teach from failure even as they strive toward success. Be wary of the coach who blames an official or weaker player for a loss. That’s nothing more than passing the buck, or bullying. I’ve been through some really dismal seasons as both player and coach. I’ve been involved in some amazingly successful runs, too. But it’s funny. I was lucky, certainly, in the people who surrounded me: I never walked away from a loss thinking that I was less of a person. And that’s the bottom line, if a young person is in an ideal situation, they can win with perspective, and lose with perspective. If you are paying attention to the values of the game winning and losing take care of themselves. The values of the game will teach us that a game’s result does not, in any way, affect who a person is, or what they’re capable of.